“We become what we believe about God and ourselves, whether good or bad. To be renewed in the spirit is to always engage in the positive.”
– Graham Cooke
Some life lessons have fallen on me like a ton of bricks this week. Today, raw from a rigorous evaluation at school yesterday, I felt I walked around in pieces. Only parts of my brain were working, and I couldn’t gather myself to re approach any work anew. Through a series of events, big and small, I’ve realized how deeply embedded my “performance tendencies” are. (Upon conveying stories of my frustration, my husband simply stated “yes, you have a performance mentality” without blinking between hearing my plight and fetching fresh eggs. Refreshing honesty).
I’ve willingly submitted work to criticism but rather than gratefully accepting the critiques of my work, I’ve adopted them as critiques of my person. When I was a little girl, my grandmother told my mom that while I was sweet and shy, I had “a backbone of steel”. I’ve discovered this to be true. I don’t back down from challenges, and I don’t shy away from criticism- but I do let it rattle me.
In the same way it’s silly to spend time intentionally disheveling my hair to make myself look unintentionally disheveled, I can’t perform my out of a performance mentality. As a believer, I shouldn’t subject myself to a degree of scrutiny that is harsher than the one Christ applies. The same truth that applies to my relationship with him pervades every facet of my life. So, here’s to resting, accepting, moving onward, and remembering that I am not defined by what I do but by the one who loves me.